Tonight, I (sort of ) accidentally drunk-dialed The Girl I Can't Get Over. We had a nice conversation; we didn't discuss anything truly substantive, but after a year and a half it's good to simply make contact. She sounded like she was doing fantastically, and for the first time in a long time I felt like I was doing okay, too, and could tell her what I was up to without feeling inferior. I wasn't ashamed to be calling her, anyhow, so that's a step forward.

I'm hesitant to to say that things are getting to the point where I'm feeling better, but here it is. I'm feeling more like myself again.

   I don't normally do this sort of thing, but after hearing a relationship-themed conversation amongst my coworkers that was so earth-shatteringly dumb it was probably picked up on seismological graphs in the south Pacific, I decided to share some thoughts on what I find interesting in women. I write this for the benefit of the guys I hear complaining about the stupid, shallow women they meet - dude, it's because you only meet chicks in bars - and for all the girls I know who are dating and married to such fractions of men I can hardly bear to look at them.

Darling, I have to tell you something

You're the woman of my dreams. I admit that at first your sparkling wit and razor-sharp intellect bewitched me, and your looks floored me from across the room and turned my mouth to sawdust when I first tried to talk to you, but that's fairly normal for me. No, it's only after having gotten to know you for a while that I recognize the amazing qualities you possess, the enchanting habits and sweet nature that I find are truly important to me. Why, look here, I've made this list. Why don't you sit down here on the couch with me and I'll read it out - oh, um, okay, actually, yes, I'd love it if you'd sit on my lap while I read it.

Pumpkin patch, it's going to be hard to concentrate with you kissing my ear like that. Thank you.

Ahem.

1. You have hobbies

Nothing impresses me more than a girl who can teach me something. Some of my fondest relationship memories are of the girlfriends who taught me to brew beer, or firedance, or bake something, or took me to an art gallery or a concert I otherwise wouldn't have attended. You're the type of person who's into so many different activities you're still surprising me months after we've started dating. How did I spot you? You didn't spend much time talking about television. Or people's lives. Or the lives of people on television. You may even have had a book out in public - oh, that reminds me...

2. "And of course she must improve her mind by extensive reading."

We may not have met in a bookstore but we probably ended up in one within the first few dates. You can remember the books you took to camp and probably have one or two stories about parent-encouraged summer reading programs. You have read books I've read and enjoyed them and want to discuss their great worth to human society. You have read books I've read and despised them and want to discuss the wretched mental festerings that must have produced them. You can actually name the last book you read, and the book you're currently reading. I can sit in a room with you while we both read in silence, for hours, without feeling like I need to speak. You can't understand how people watch so much television.

3. You don't watch much television

I see I'm developing a theme. Moving on...

4. You've gotten over worrying about your appearance

Guys are not very observant. I am truly not going to notice if you're having a bad hair day under any circumstance save one - you point it out to me.

You understand that I don't hold you to fashion model standards. When I compliment your hair or your clothes I want you to take it at face value. I am not sure there's anything that can make me so quickly reconsider how nice I think you look as you arguing the point. You won't make me put up with this any more than you put up with the clingy, desperate text messages your ex-boyfriend constantly sent you.

5. You take care of your appearance

Okay, okay, I see what you mean, but I don't think that numbers 4. and 5. are mutually exclusive. I know you appreciate my looks - you chose me, after all, not that other douchebag at that party where we met, and I'm sure it wasn't all because of my fascinating opinions on the modern television viewer. I promise to keep my body fit and clean, my clothes nice and my habits presentable because I want you to think I'm sexy. I want you to want me to think you're sexy.

Side note: You think it's a little silly but you appreciate and apply the science of well-timed lingerie.

6. You drink

...or find some other way to let your hair down. There may be a picture of you dancing on a table in a restaurant, preferably with something ridiculous on your head. You've been known to perform epic eighties ballads at late, rowdy karaoke nights. You enjoy getting a good buzz playing Clue and following up with sloppy makeouts. We occasionally sleep past noon after a long Friday, and you know the priceless benefit of greasy diner food to soothe a hangover.

6a. You don't drink too much
   You're a girl who knows how to party, not a party girl. When my friends Google you they don't find pictures of you passed out on a keg to email around the office. You don't get us kicked out of places, and you don't start fights once you've had a few.

7. You find stuff to do with me

You wake me up on the weekends to go to that museum exhibit you heard about. When we talk about dinner you suggest places I've never been, or places neither of us have been. When bands and shows you like come to town, you mention them and make plans to go. Hell, you just mention them - I'm happy to help with the plans. There are a few things coming up I'd like to do, too.

7a. You try things I want to try
   I'll try not to put you in any situations that are uncomfortable, or just uncomfortably geeky. But c'mon, remember when we tried that Thai place? You loved that.

8. You find stuff to do without me

This one is delicate. Some say, 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. There's an old song that asks, 'how can I miss you if you won't go away?'. How do I put this in a way that isn't going to hurt your feelings...

Fuck. Off.

We like each other a lot, but history has shown us that when people spend too much time together, they start to get a little crazy. You understand what I mean when I say I need some time to myself - it's the same thing you mean when you want to spend a day with your friends, or just a day alone at your place. The next time I see you, you'll have something to tell me.

9. I know you like me

You don't mind being the sappy couple holding hands. You like to cuddle at the movies. You didn't mind I called you 'darling'; in fact, you have a number of pet names for me. You light up when I find little ways to tell you I care about you, and you surprise me from time to time with your own spontaneous displays of affection. Most importantly, I never feel like you're embarrassed to be with me.

             

I just found this fascinating article detailing how marine mineral deposits from the Cretaceous determined the South's electoral vote in the 2008 Presidential election. Absolutely jaw-dropping reading, but I think the author is overlooking an obvious possibility: a secret population of Obama-loving Cretaceous sea reptiles.